I have been out of schedule for 2 weeks - at least this is what I thought.
things happened and I just did not have the willpower, or guts to do the last two weeks of this course. 
It is almost 2 weeks ago that I finished the first two weeks of this course.
things started happening, and now I realised it was tests for me:

I closed the door of self hatred  - I thought - something happens and this time it was so heartfull and so sore and brought back all those horrible memories and I realised: I have not shut that door propperly!

Also: I tend to take things very personally:
 
today I worked on my journal again, and as I wrote I realised something did happen:
I acknowledged my feeling immediately when things happened.  I immediately realised that that door is not shut yet, and I just know I have to dig deeper: and all in me shut down!

Something is stopping me from going deeper, and I so much wants to clear all up - I just feel so helpless today, and up to today.  One part of me wants to run away from this, one part is forcing me to stop and deal with this - it is so sore, it is so difficult, only God can help me now!